The Weight of Friendship
On lifting as you climb
The word friend is thrown around easily nowadays.
But what does it truly mean? Most of our relationships feel thinner than true friendship. There is a difference to be made between someone you get along with and someone who stands by you through thick and thin.
True friendship, it appears, is a rarer jewel.
But still, the term is casually applied.
We use it for a wide range of relationships, including social media acquaintances. Online friends are of an especially superficial kind. They have little in common with the bonds we rely on to get through life.
We are often friendly, but not often friends.
True friendship survives distance, disagreement, and difficulty.
Whenever a true friend is not physically present, the bond remains. If far away, you still have each other’s best interests at heart. When reunited, you weather the bad, celebrate the good, and steer each other gently toward better outcomes.
Superficial kindness has an off-switch. For friends to honor their relationship, they will have to be present when push comes to shove.
It has an unconditional component.
Loyalty is a base ingredient. That is why for friendship to remain true, it must survive strife, even between the friends themselves. The other person’s long-term flourishing must remain an end goal, and therefore never forgotten.
This is how it stands the test of time.
So, for true friendship, there is no easy off-switch.
If a friend is in genuine need of help, and you can deliver it, you will feel obliged to do so - even if it costs you. But there is a paradox. Even though such bonds imply unconditional goodwill, proper support remains conditional.
If you wish a person well, you cannot enable their worst behaviour.
If they are to take responsibility for their friendship, both friends must take responsibility for their lives.
If they do, they take ownership of their past actions and their future improvement. That makes mutual help typically productive; both parties will use it to improve. But if one of the two fails, the other’s help comes to enable harm rather than growth.
The question is whether your friend is grateful for support or feels entitled to it.
Sometimes, people become bitter, self-destructive, and harmful - especially to those closest to them. When that occurs, true friends will maintain goodwill, but they must set boundaries if they are to survive. Even your friend is not allowed to rob you.
If you are left with nothing, you have nothing to offer.
Sometimes, we must restrain ourselves from helping someone else because if we do, we help their destruction.
As an unfortunate result thereof, the friendship will grow dormant. But even then, the underlying commitment remains. The relationship only whithers if the friend does; in the meantime, it remains in slumber.
You may remain committed to their well-being. It is just that you cannot sustain it now.
But that is better than enabling harm.
True friendship requires openness and judgment.
It is one of life’s cherished goods precisely because it is terribly difficult. In our relationships, we see each other from up close. We witness the most hideous aspects of human nature.
Unsurprisingly, friends invite appreciation and unease.
Ultimately, friendship is about goodwill.
Goodwill comes in two shapes: positive and negative. Positively, we must foster each other’s best. Negatively, we must not feed each other’s worst. If you offer loyalty, you deserve accountability.
To care for someone unconditionally means to encourage them conditionally: only if they are aiming upwards. You cannot have anyone’s back if they might put a dagger in yours.
Since friendship is precious, it must be carefully guarded - sometimes from itself.